Dir: Stephen Tramontana
Release Date: 2015
"A possessed piñata, seeking to avenge the savagery that humanity has inflicted on his kind, picks off a group of friends, one by one, in an unending night of terror."
In December of 2020, I wrote and published a review of Llamageddon on this very website after watching it on Amazon Prime. In doing so, I unlocked a veritable goldmine of shit on the channel under the 'Because you watched....' section and forever tainted my 'Movies we think you'll like...'. It's almost like a bonus level and I've been dutifully playing it through ever since.
Of course, I don't write a review about every bad film I watch as I also have to squeeze in some time for the podcast, a full time job and, I guess, the family, but sometimes, I just know it's going to end up on here. This was one such film. The title alone demanded it.
Fun Fact: Both Killer Piñata and Llamageddon were made in 2015 but neither are based on a true story. Allegedly.
We start at the Dulce Landia shop (real store chain apparently) and a woman in a hat and colourful scarf is opening up for the day. There's a sign in the window that says, "Merry Christmas" so, on that alone, I'm claiming this as a Festive film review to fill my yearly quota. HO HO HO
She finds the cash register is open at which point she reveals she has a hook for a hand. At no point is this hook explained or revealed to be relevant to anything. She finds a body prone on the floor with some red on her face and, written in blood on the floor (by the victim) is P I N..... Surely not another random Pinecone attack? No. Something worse.......
There, on the floor nearby is...... A Piñata!!!
We go straight into the Opening credits which appear over blood slowly running down a Piñata. ...."And Joette Waters as 'The Shopkeeper'" is our only 'And' credit. I was kind of hoping the Piñata would get a credit but, alas, not to be.
One week later........
Mr David Goodman is looking to buy some Piñatas for a party and oddly, in a shop full of the things, chooses the only one with the tag on saying it isn't available. Incorrect spelling but still, not available. After bribing Juan with an incredible $5, he is sold the items and heads home.
Back at home, we meet his wife Gwen and his kids, late-teen Lindsey and young Luke preparing for the party. With Lindsey is her best friend and general slut of the piece, Rosetta Stone!
Fun fact: The Rosetta Stone is a granodiorite stele inscribed with three versions of a decree issued in Memphis, Egypt, in 196 BC during the Ptolemaic dynasty on behalf of King Ptolemy V Epiphanes. It is also a 1980s UK goth rock band AND an online language learning App employing the dynamic immersion method. If that's not enough, the character Rosetta Stone in this film has got big tits. Fun indeed.
Rosetta flirts quite obviously with Lindsey's dad and he likes it, as is the norm. She mentions wanting to nail an old guy, ignoring it's her friend's dad she's talking about and Lindsey lets us all know that she is intending to not go on holiday with her family the day after the party. They have a secret party of their own planned you see.
"Who is Scott bringing with him tomorrow?", asks Rosetta.
"Chad I think, from work."
"Does Chad have a big cock? Mama gotta eat".
"Dunno, I'll ask Scott".
This dazzling dialogue is interrupted by a homeless guy saying he's here for the party. This is just so he can come back later on and we know he frequently hangs around the alley by the house. He soon leaves.
Fun fact: Homeless Guy is played by Nick Weeks who is also credited as a writer of the film due to "original Story by" and Executive Producer. There are no other films on his IMDB bio. Thanks for the contribution, Nick!.
Luke chooses a Piñata to attack (not the killer one) and we get a slo-mo walk away, stringing up and subsequent beating all accompanied by Tchaikovsky's beautiful Swan Lake Act 1 Scene 2 Finale. We have a montage of cheering people, the piñata being destroyed, sweets falling to the floor and the face of the Killer Piñata himself. Haunting stuff, my friends, truly haunting.
Back at the shop, the idiot Juan is explaining how he sold the Piñata to the shopkeeper who refuses to tell him about 'the evil that walks among us' like she's Dr Loomis heading back to Haddonfield or something. Using the receipt as a clue, she may still be able to save them.....
"I just miss you that's all" says the dad to Lindsey before they leave, "You're the baby of the family".
"Ha ha, Dad, Luke's the baby of the family".
"Luke was a mistake. He's not even supposed to be here".
I actually did laugh at this exchange and to be fair, the film has its funny moments. The family leave and Lindsey spots the Piñata somehow outside and she hangs it back up in the shed.
All shots featuring the Piñata are either POV shots or part of it off camera in case you were wondering - no CGI Piñata here folks, it's all practical effects. Not special but practical.
We meet Scott and Chad now buying some beer and talking about their dicks. Apparently Scott and Lindsey are on a break in their relationship or a 'dick vacation' as it appears to be known.
"You just need to be more aggressive", offers Chad, "If she's being all shy, take your dick out and put it in her hand."
Wise words there from Chad. Hope you've written that gem down guys. It's that simple.
We cut now to a random kid having a party on some grass outside an apartment block. There's supposed to be 3 Piñatas says the dad (I think) and sets off to look for the one that's not there.
The Shopkeeper appears and starts to smash the place up.
"Where's the DONKEY?" she demands of the birthday girl
Fun fact: Fellow Shit Hunter @EvilDevilNeil on Instagram watched this recently and pointed out that she looks like former British Prime Minister, Teresa May. Great shout from him there and I do seem to remember her yelling, "Where's the donkey?", as a catchphrase back in World Leader Meetings.
Having a hook for a hand does nothing to calm things down and people scatter as she stalks about the place. She flips tables over and totally destroys this party.
The dad arrives back with the 3rd Piñata, she sees it is not the one she is looking for, says "Feliz cumpleaños", which I learned is Happy birthday (thanks guys) and leaves.
Fun fact: None of the Spanish spoken in this film has subtitles which means you have to just figure it out as you go. This is EXACTLY what the dynamic immersion method of the Rosetta Stone language learning app refers to. I am actually guessing it was connected and cannot confirm if this was deliberate.
Rosetta arrives at Lindsey's house and she has Martin in tow. Martin is her loser cousin who loaned her $400 once and is cashing in the favour by accompanying her to the party. He has a crush on Lindsey if you couldn't guess.
The 'dick vacation' is mentioned again, by Rosetta this time, and we catch Lindsey checking out her ass when she bends over. Sadly, this never materialises into a later scene but it is mentioned a couple more times.
After some dirty flirty talk between Chad and Rosetta, Chad beats another Piñata (Captain America) to death while Killer Piñata bites through his rope, they all go out for more beer leaving the totally expendable Martin on his own.
The homeless guy turns up again (I warned you he would) talks to the Piñata which shits out some candy for him only for him to seemingly be poisoned by the sweets and die in the alleyway out back.
Martin hears a noise, comes outside, gets stalked by the Piñata and hit from behind by the beating stick (not sure if that's the official name for it), a rope thrown round his neck which draws him up off his feet to be hit about the face which seems to result in his teeth, and somehow his tongue also, being knocked out. He dies.
Everyone gets back and assumes Martin just went home. Rosetta finds the Piñata and takes it inside for no real reason other than to speed the film up a bit.
"Woah, we getting a donkey show?", asks Chad.
"Yeah, get sucking it's dick", is Rosetta's clever comeback.
"Oh, I'm gonna pin the tail on that ass", is Chad's even cleverer comeback and he starts to dry hump the thing (the Piñata, not Rosetta).
They play the classic game of 'Never have I ever', which is not a game we have here in the UK (though I don't tend to get invited to teen parties, even when I was a teen) nor does it look very much fun. To summarise, Lindsey has kissed a girl while Scott has never got his dick sucked.
The couples pair off now with Rosetta and Chad holding up a small nipple chain like it's the very highest end of Cenobite level sexual sadomasochism and Lindsey and Scott watch a movie on her laptop.
Fun Fact: The movie they watch and describe is actually a real film (The Caretakers - 2014), is about vampires and features long time BMC favourite, Joe Estevez!
Rosetta is now dressed in Lindsey's dad's shirt and enjoying some totally covered up sex with Chad while they both engage in some Church/Choir-girl banter.
The Piñata arrives and heads under the covers and does something which both Chad and Rosetta seem to enjoy. I have no idea what it could possibly be.
"How can you be in two places at once", she asks Chad.
They tear off the sheets, revealing the Piñata which leads to a fight between it and Chad while Rosetta watches and wears some of the biggest underpants I've seen on a sexy woman since Anna Nicole Smith in PM Entertainment's 1996 epic, 'Skyscraper'.
The Piñata ends up shitting candy into Chad's mouth leading to an incredible few minutes of slow motion vomit from both him and Rosetta and some slo-mo writhing about in it all to the splendid 'O Fortuna' from Carmina Burana by Carl Orff.
The Piñata now somehow manages to attach itself to Chad's back and work him like a marionette to strangle Rosetta while we cut back to Lindsey who says,
"What a silly movie this is", and both her and Scott look at the camera. Nice.
Quick cut back to the shopkeeper telling Juan that she is off to sort this out.
"I will destroy this evil but may have to sacrifice myself in the process", she warns.
Spoiler: she only does the second part.
By now, Lindsey is asleep so Scott decides to put his dick in her hand. Surprisingly, that advice turns out to be poor and they argue, Lindsey mentions being a lesbian now and the lights all go out in a black-out.
Lights back on after a trip to the fuse box and they see Rosetta dead, the Piñata and then Chad lying dead on the floor as well. They make a run for it to be greeted by The Shopkeeper who has appeared just in the nick of time (though people are dead).
The Shopkeeper gives us a back-story (all in animation) now as to why the Piñata is killing. Apparently, there was an employee at the Piñata factory who was mocked by colleagues until a prank sent him tumbling into the industrial shredder. His blood soaked into the fabric of the Piñata and that's about it really.
Lindsey and Scott aren't listening as they "don't understand Spanish" which casual racism is interrupted by the beating stick bursting through the shopkeeper's stomach and she is dead. Time for a full scale Piñata frenzy attack!
Scott's hit with the stick, Lindsey is bitten on the arm but they regroup in the garage where they decide calling the cops would end with them being laughed at, blamed and locked way while the Piñata would still be on the loose. They must fight!
They set about making weapons which gives us a lovely A-Team style montage of holding some rubbish, taking it out of shot, pretending to work on it and producing a baseball bat, a hunting bow and arrow set and a pump action shotgun.
Another nice touch is the slo-mo raising of the garage door to reveal them all tooled up only for them to emerge, find themselves in the alleyway out back and realise it's the other door which leads back into the house. They turn around and head back in.
Lindsey is quickly disarmed and takes an arrow to the leg while Scott takes a Piñata to the dick! I'm talking a Piñata blow-job here! Scott treats us to a, "Finally", and a thumbs up until it all goes horribly wrong for him.
To be honest with you, the blow-job bit went on for too long before the turning point and we got some munching and blood spraying everywhere. I mean, I watched this at work and that's not the kind of thing I can easily explain away if someone looked over my shoulder.
It was bad enough with the prolonged sexual vomit scene though, admittedly, that was much sexier thanks to Rosetta's enormous........ underpants.
Fun Fact: Prolonged Sexual Vomit was a Punk album me and Dom released in the 1980s
As Scott finally dies from his wounds, Lindsey is attacked again, this time managing to tear off one of the Piñata's legs and throw him across the room.
There's a kind of 1978 Halloween homage next as Lindsey is in the foreground while the Piñata sits up slowly behind her and turns its head.
Lindsey follows a trail of candy down into the basement where she arms herself with a hammer. She is ambushed and the Piñata bites off one of her ears. Thankfully, the hammer isn't just for decoration and she goes to town with it.
Covered in blood, Lindsay tears the Piñata apart-a and pulls out its heart-a. The heart appears to be a chocolate egg but I'm not sure if it supposed to be that or an actual heart. Not bothered one way or another, Lindsey bites into it in slow motion.
Lindsey's family return home now to the carnage and the parents state how disappointed they are with her for having a party. Her brother Luke admires her ear in a plastic bag.
While Lindsey's dad is staring at dead Rosetta, Lindsey's mum adapts herself immediately with a plan of action.
"First, I'm gonna sew your ear back, then burn your friends and throw their belongings into the river". Mum knows best after all.
Sadly, in the excitement, nobody notices Luke has found some candy and is eating it.
THE END........?
There is a post credits scene where the Piñata reforms itself in the basement like the T-1000 in T2 (okay, maybe not exactly like that) and I believe they were aiming to make a sequel which didn't materialise for some reason.
Oh, and we DO get a Pinata credit at the end so well done to them for that. Davinia Palmer apparently. Good work
To be quite honest, I enjoyed this film. It was self knowingly stupid but played it down enough to still be funny in its own right. AND it was all filmed in just 8 days.
As I said at the start, the title alone caught my attention but the film itself kept me there until the end. Grab some friends, grab some beers and maybe even try a double feature with Llamageddon.
HIT IT on Amazon Prime
FAVOURITE CHARACTER:
Rosetta Stone. She was a classic sex crazed slut and she has massive..... underpants
FAVOURITE MOMENT:
I liked the slapstick approach to the making weapons out of items of nothing and producing actual weaponry but I'll go with the prolonged sexual vomit scene as the music made it for me. Great opera from Carl Orff.
FAVOURITE LINE:
Scott: "Alright, you brightly coloured sonofabitch!"
FAVOURITE DEATH:
Gonna go with Scott having his dick bitten off due to the good 30 seconds worth of blood hosing everywhere.
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